Saturday, May 20, 2006


The most important things in life are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them- words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more than that isn't it? The most important things lie close to where your heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secrets stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear....

( from the novella The Body of the book Different Seasons by Stephen King )

" This really holds true to me... It's difficult to to talk to someone about what's really on your mind or how you really feel. You want to talk to them about your fuck up life and the pain that you've been carrying, but you just can't. You are afraid that they might think that you're crazy or weird or you just made it up. Or the worst thing that could happen, they shun away from you... Now that sucks!!! "

Friday, February 03, 2006

" My Cheesy Affection to the Sunset "

I dont need no one to tell me about heaven,
I look at my daughter and I believe,
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth,
I can see the sunset and I perceive...
- Live ( from the song Believe )

I truly adored the sunset, I can't help myself but fallen in loved with it. If I can watch it everyday I would do it, it is just so mesmerizing and enthralling. These days if I go the beach it is usually at five in the afternoon not just to take a swim but also to enjoy the beauty of the sunset. I loved swimming a lot, I feel like I am on my element when I am in the water, and it is definitely one of the most enjoyable thing I loved doing. Swimming in the salty sea or just sitting in the sand while gazing at the sunsets magnifecence is no doubt one of my guilty pleasures.
I like the color of the sun when it is about to set in the horizons. The majestic golden sun suddenly becomes into a somewhat dark red orange color and the clouds that surrounds it turns with the same color but lighter. The usually blinding sun whom you normally cannot look at through your own naked eyes up in the sky is now bearable to see with your own bare eyes. The familiar intolerable heat from the sun is no longer present during the sunset but rather you want to embrace this seemingly soothing warmth it unfolds to the world. The sun that looks bigger, hanging and nearing to lay in the sea is like this huge crystal ball used by the fortune tellers, but more magical and far beyond mystical. It's heavenly spectacle suddenly gives me this feeling as if God is right there in the setting sun, watching over His creation, watching over us. I have this feeling of stillness,this feeling of divine presence and in a way it's kinda comforting to this always miserable life of mine. When the sun finally touches the sea in the horizon, somehow you seemed to witness these rare amalgamation of the two opposite elements - Fire and Water. The imposing sun that looks scorching and menacing above the sky now appears to be serene and compose down here with us. It's red orange color reflecting on the clear salty water of the sea is a stunning sight to behold. Then sometimes you can see some fishermen in their bancas passing at the setting sun and it looks amazing coz' you have this feeling like they can almost touch the fiery sun because it looks nearer and reachable. Then all the clouds above the sky and down below with the setting sun has this beautiful shades of different colors like red, orange, pink and yellow that makes them look like a work of art of a masterpainter.
There is something magical about the sunset for me when I watch it. It's spellbinding beauty makes me feel like I am being transported for a while into a realm of peace and tranquility. For a moment I forgot all the ugliness that I felt in my life. For a moment the sunsets charm and breathtaking splendor makes me forget the reality of my fuck up life!!! The sunset is definitely one of God's most beautiful creation....

Monday, November 28, 2005

" I Hate My Phony Smile!! "

I'm cold, I'm ugly,
I'm always confused by everything,
I can stare into a thousand eyes,
But every smile hides a bold face lie...

- Slipknot ( Diluted )

It's cold when you are alone, it's cold when you feel this constant alienation. It's cold when you feel like no one is there for you, to comfort you, to share your innermost fuck up feelings and to talk about your screwed up self!
Emotional ugliness that's what I've beeen feeling for a long, long time. And it hurts more than anything else to feel what you don't want to feel and to be what you don't want to be. And now just recently, I feel ugly physically and that really sucks! There's just too much ugliness in my fuck up life!
I'm confused at everything that's been going on, I don't know what to do and what to think. Nothing makes sense anymore, my life does not make sense, it's meaningless! You try to hide the pain, you try not to cry everyday. You cry in the dark, alone and hurting.
For a brief moment you are happy, for a fleeting time you find bliss, but you know they won't last. Often you pretend to laugh, you put up your fake smile although you are hurting inside, it's bullshit! I don't want a happiness that is just momentary, I hate all this pretentions! I just hate this phony smile on my face!!!

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

" Music is my drug "

Kick off your shoes, put your feet up,
Lean back and just enjoy the melodies,
After all, music soothes even the savage beast...

- Offspring ( Time To Relax )

I've been really pissed-off for quite a while now and not only because of my fuckin' good-for-nothing life but also because I can no longer play a fuckin' cd on our stupid antiquated cd stereo system! Well, it was partly my fault though..., because of it's freakin' old age it needs to be bang a little so its idiotic cd player will function. A couple of weeks ago I tried to play a Better Than Ezra cd and gave it a light tap so that the fuckin' cd player will turn on but it did not budge, until I got furious and gave it a forceful nudge and I end up aggravating its already fragile condition. So now I cannot only play the cd, I cannot even get the three cd from the freakin' cd changer. So the Better Than Ezra, Maroon 5 and an acoustic cd got stuck on the useless piece of crap!, and I don't know if I can still get it!!!
Well it is not completely useless coz' the stupid stereo's radio still works. So I can still listen to some cool music, thanks to Y101 FM in Cebu, my favorite FM station. Right now I loved listening to Wordplay by Jason Mraz, Scar by Papa Roach, Get To Me by Train sounds really cool, B.Y.O.B by System Of A Down really rocks, You and Me by Lifehouse is really pleasing and Wake Me Up When September Ends by Greenday is cool too. Of course, 3 Doors Down will never go wrong for me and so thus Maroon 5, Coldplay, Incubus, Linkin Park, Better Than Ezra, Tracy Chapman, The Calling, U2, Nickelback and Disturbed's The Sickness album is definitely one of my all time favorites, and many more music I just loved to listen. So many cool music to listen but so little time, that really suck!, and now a cd player that is not working that's just bullshit!!!
Yup, I loved music a lot! It has a calming effect on me and it makes me forget all my shitty woes. For a brief moment music can undo this shitload of melancholy crap inside me, it's like a therapy for my pathetic existense! Music pacify my weeping soul, it lifts my broken spirit and gives me a momentary sensation of high and ecstasy without taking the drugs. Music is my drugs, only it is legal or maybe not coz' most of the cd's we have are pirated so it is still like an illegal drugs as it is. But who cares about piracy? I mean all those fuck up mega music companies whose been earning billions of dollars from us deserve some kick in the butt. So let's burn more cd's and buy more pirated stuff! ha,ha,ha.... Kudos to us all!!!

Thursday, September 29, 2005

my song!

cut my life into pieces,
this is my last resort,
suffocation, no breathing,
don't give a fuck
if i cut my arm bleeding.

cause i'm losing my sight, losing my mind,
wish somebody would tell me i'm find,
losing my sight, losing my mind,
wish somebody would tell me i'm fine

nothing's alright, nothing is fine,
i'm running and i'm crying,
i'm crying, i'm crying...

would it be wrong?, would it be right?,
if i took my life tonight?, chances are that i might?,
mudilation out of sight and i'm contemplating suicide!
i can't go on living this way!
nothing's alright!!!

- Papa Roach ( Last Resort )

"It's amazing how a song can precisely describe what's in your fuck up head and what's in your fuck up heart! I admit, Last Resort is my song, it's the song of my screwed up life!, I wish that it's not but it is and it sucks bigtime!!!"